5 Common Causes of Marriage Breakdowns

One of the most common problems that we see at the counselling centre are people who are struggling with their marriages. Marriages are under increasing pressure, and there are a number of reasons for this.

1   Firstly, Johannesburg is a very busy city and the demands that are placed on people in terms of the number of hours that they have to work often results in significant stress on their relationships. All relationships require a significant investment of time. Relationships are like delicate plants. If you water and tend them correctly, they usually produce fruit. If they are neglected they wither. People think that sexual attraction is the usual reason for people having affairs but loneliness plays a major role. The loneliness may be the problem of the executive who spends long hours at work, and forms a relationship with a work colleague instead of a spouse, or it may be the experience of the spouse who is at home by themselves.

2   A second reason for the collapse of marriages revolves around unrealistic expectations. The concept of the “soul mate” has done a great deal of damage. People sometimes expect their spouse to meet needs that are only met in a relationship with God. Tim Keller in his book “The Meaning of Marriage” comments that the current generation holds two seemingly contradictory views of marriage. On the one hand they are very pessimistic about marriage. On the other hand they have unrealistically high expectations, regarding what they expect of a spouse.) Divorce of parents is the main reason for this problem. Pessimism about marriage comes from the experience of a broken home, and high expectations comes from the thought that if I am to avoid divorce, then my partner must be perfect, meet all my needs, and constantly produce feelings of emotional excitement for me.

3   A third reason for marriage problems are sexual issues that are fuelled by the media and particularly of course the problem of pornography. Pornography is a cancer that eats at the soul of a marriage. It promotes an unrealistic image of people and distorts normal sexual interaction in marriage. It may also remove sexual energy that should be invested in the marriage. Some people start to try to act out these fantasies as their brain has been wired in this direction.

4   Financial strain is one of the leading causes of divorce. Stress can makes people more unpleasant to live with. Arguments about how to spend what money is available destroy the fabric of the relationship. Financial strain is often not of a person’s own making, but there are times when unwise financial choices have plunged people into debt with disastrous consequences. People may live and spend as if there is no tomorrow, with furnishings, clothes, cars bought without regard for the future.

5   A great deal of damage is done to marriage by some “self- help” literature which essentially promotes self- absorption and a view that the meaning of life lies in being able to do whatever takes our fancy. Jesus teaches us the exact opposite. He teaches us to serve each other, to sacrifice on behalf of each other and the results of this approach are amazing. The treasure of a family where these principles are practised is beyond measure and leaves a legacy of hope and stability for future generations.

Dr Ruth Ward
Elder and Counsellor

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